


When We're Ready

by cinnamonsnaps



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Comedy, M/M, Wedding Fluff, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-11
Updated: 2018-03-11
Packaged: 2019-03-29 17:52:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13932204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cinnamonsnaps/pseuds/cinnamonsnaps
Summary: Kravitz and Taako are getting married.Of course, it's never quite that simple.





	When We're Ready

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!  
> there aren't any warnings for this fic that I can think of but let me know if you need any :)  
> this was written for another fic exchange on the taz server: I really recommend doing this type of thing for productivity! it's amazing!

Taako was falling in a rain of burning flowers and tasteful origami napkin dicks, as if he were trapped in slow motion, as if he were just another ornament slowly floating down in a rain of embers and petals and suspiciously phallic shapes. The sound of wedding bells clanging discordantly resonated with the worried yells of the gathered audience, sitting in nearly arranged pews, and as Taako picked out the wide eyes of Magnus and Merle at the top of the aisle, he realised he was in wedding hell with no escape.

The moment stretched on in infinitely slower increments, the ground slowly getting nearer, and all Taako could think was: 

I should have known better than to try and marry someone. This wedding business is just not for me.

 

-

 

It started with Lup and Barry's wedding. Of fucking  _ course _ it was magical and beautiful and heart warming, with a wonderful enchanted gazebo made from specially grown willow trees acting as their chapel, and Lup glowed - literally glowed - as she floated down to Merle and Barry in her snatched waist, fairy tale, bright red wedding dress. Everyone cooed. It was exactly the kind of moment that draws out a coo from even the coldest, most shriveled up hearts present. 

There were even little fireflies acting as living decorations, darting between the willows and hanging around Lup like a starry halo.

Then there was the after party. Everyone was a little drunk, dance fights and karaoke contests were fought, and of course, the bouquet was tossed high into the air. And, of course, Taako caught it, because gods know he only ever catches things exactly when he doesn't want them, like colds, or chlamydia. 

Everyone in the room said “ooooh”, like they were a bunch of high schoolers who just found out Taako's secret crush - as if he ever kept the fact he wanted to jump Kravitz’ (all too visible) bones a secret. So Taako - who was on his fifth glass of wine - looked at Kravitz - who hadn't been drinking, but was getting a little carried away by the atmosphere - who said:

“Well, how about it then.”

And five glasses of wine replied:

“Cool.”

 

It took a couple of days for it to really sink in, but when Taako finally realised that he was actually engaged with an actual fiancé for actual definite, he took a bubble bath for three hours til his whole body was pruned up and he felt more prepared to broach the subject with his - oh fuck - fiancé.

 

“Kravitz,” Taako said, slowly running a hand down one of Kravitz’ broad, black suited shoulders, “honeykins, darling. Listen. About that whole... catching the bouquet thing.”

Kravitz, who had been peacefully drinking a horrendously sweet coffee over the breakfast table, promptly dropped his mug. “Taako I- oh shittening that really burns, fuck, my thighs-”

 

After twenty minutes of towels and cold water, during which Taako had rather inelegantly pulled Kravitz trousers off his resisting body to shove ice cubes down his boxers, he tried again.

“Well, I. I was... apprehensive about actually talking to you about it, but.” Kravitz’ fingers played a silent, nervous piano tattoo on the kitchen table, and Taako day dreamed about putting his hand over those long fingers to lay them to rest. “Would you like to marry me some day?”

Taako couldn't say his first emotion was happiness. It was confusion, mainly, and fear, which he didn't want to acknowledge but was there anyway. Maybe it showed in his face, because Kravitz started talking again.

“No, it's a little fast, I mean we've been dating for a couple of years and cohabitating for less, which really in the grand scheme of both of our lives is a very short time -”

Taako's heart was still beating extremely rapidly. His first thoughts - always the worst ones - were yelling all sorts of awful things about running away, about how Kravitz couldn't really be serious. About how he would eventually poison this good thing like all good things he had ever once had.

But his second thoughts - after appropriately beating the shit out of his first thoughts - looked at gentle, soft Kravitz sat at his breakfast table with a fully suited top half, and stupid bright red boxers on his bottom half. Stupid high socks with those weird manly calf suspenders to keep them up, like hypermasculine lingerie - a part of the reaper that was never meant to be seen by anybody.

But Taako did see it. Taako saw all the vulnerable and silly parts of Kravitz, and his second thoughts said: 

I love this man, and I want to love him forever.

His second thoughts said:

“Nobody's ever really ready to get married, right? So let's do it anyway.”

“Oh.” Kravitz looked at the table, and then at the floor, as if working out a particularly hard maths problem. Finally, he looked at Taako, and his eyes were shining. “Oh. I should... I should be kneeling, shouldn't I?”

“Don't worry about it stud,” Taako said, beginning to sink to his knees. “I got it covered.”

 

Kravitz was late to work after that.

 

-

 

“Married?!?” 

Taako pulled the stone of far speech away from his sensitive ear. “My darling baby sister, please don't yell at me.”

“Married!” Lup yelled again, even louder. “You copycat! Yes bitch! Sink your claws into that man! I think I'm going to fucking pass out!”

“Same,” Taako said, breathing out heavily and putting his head on his free hand. “We kinda formalised things and... yeah. We're going ahead with it. I've got no idea where to start.”

“Listen, I'll help you out. We'll all help you out.” The sounds of rustling came through from the other end; Lup swore a couple times, and Taako could hear Barry asking gently what she was looking for. “I've got my wedding planner right here and the whole family is gonna make this the most magical wedding ever. We're riding this hog into Big Fat Gay Wedding territory. We're gonna have fireworks out the wazoo.”

“I think I'd prefer them away from general parts of people's anatomy,” Taako said faintly, beginning to feel exhausted already just thinking about all the planning. “Listen, I'm... I'm just a little worried. After your wonderful wedding, and Carey and Killian doing their thing, I just don't want to... try to outdo them. You know. Step on any toes. Steal any ideas.”

“Oh, don't worry,” Lup said, and there was more rustling from her end of the call. “Your wedding is going to make all other weddings look like Sunday lunch at Aunt Lorraine's.”

“Oh goodie,” Taako breathed out, weakly.

 

-

 

Taako was haphazardly awoken from drooling on Kravitz’ chest by loud banging coming from their front door.

“What in the whole entire fuck,” he said calmly, while Kravitz sat bolt upwards in bed and propelled Taako off the mattress and onto the floor. Morning thoroughly ruined, cucumber slices everywhere and facemask all over his carpet, Taako stomped downstairs ready to cast Grease all over someone and give them a slippery reminder that he could kill them in a heartbeat if he so chose, only to find half the fucking Bureau of Benevolence at his door.

He blinked at them. “What do you... what do you want?”

“Wedding organisational committee!” Lup yelled from somewhere behind Magnus’ phenomenal girth, and on cue everyone started filing in to Taako's kitchen.

“No,” said Taako as he watched this happen, pushed aside by the flow. “No. No. This is my day off from chaos. I'm going to nap all day, and you guys are stopping that from happening. No.”

“Relax, big guy, we're here to help,” Merle said, dumping live clumps of meadowflowers with mud still attached onto Taako's clean chopping board. 

“Aw, this reminds me of our big day,” Killian crooned, nuzzling foreheads with Carey while she simultaneously took a big long nosey look at Taako's messy lounge area. 

“I'm going to chop each guest a hand carved duck to act as a place holder,” Magnus said, but Lucretia put a hand on his arm and shook her head.

“Magnus, that's going to be 300 ducks. I don't think you can feasibly carve that many before the wedding.”

Magnus pouted. “Fine. I guess I'll fold the napkins instead. How hard can it be?”

“300?” Taako yelled. “I don't know 300 people!”

Lup clapped her hands and brought the momentary chaos to a standstill. “Alright, people, we have three months to arrange and produce the greatest wedding ever held in Faerun, so let's get fucking going. Quick, roll call, one by one, go go go.”

“Three months?” Taako screeched.

Merle wandered over and stuck a flower in Taako's hair. “I take decoration - well, you know, on top of being the officiator. Hey, you want a tree gazebo too?”

“Who said three months??” Taako yelled again.

“Napkins,” Magnus said immediately. 

Carey, who had been rifling through Taako's cutlery draw, poked her head up. “Me and wifey call outfits. We'll get you both looking fly as hell.”

“Is anyone listening to me?” Taako said, running to the cutlery draw to snap it shut again. “Am I astral projecting? Is this a nightmare?”

“I'll manage guests and send invitations, et cetera,” Lucretia humbly proposed, wiping a finger in an idle sort of manner across one of Taako's shelves and immediately regretting the thick layer of dust she accumulated. “The old records I kept of every person I've ever met will finally come in handy instead of... gathering dust.” She looked at her finger again in displeasure. 

Angus suddenly appeared from under a table. “Is there a job for a small boy? A baby boy?”

“You're 15,” Taako said in disbelief, sitting heavily on one of his many tacky beanbags that were scattered around the lounge area. It was true: Angus had had a growth spurt in the past few years, and quickly, so quickly, he'd sprung up into something resembling a small adult.

“Angus, you'd make a great ring bearer,” Lup decided. “You'd make a great anything, actually. You're my favourite very small child and I'm extremely proud of you.”

“He's 15,” Taako said with his head in his hands.

Lup continued handing out roles: more people, familiar people, shuffled past Taako - Avi was there at some point, and maybe even Lucas, and then some more people he didn't recognise - and his sister arranged them all with a brutal efficiency that made Taako clutch his head harder and sink deeper into his beanbag, because fuck, it was all happening so quick. What had been a vague daydream was suddenly taking concrete form: it had a deadline: people were working towards it, holding up swatches of material against him, drafting menus: and Taako was sat there in his dressing gown and his sleep onsie with half a face mask on and cucumber all over his shirt, panicking, because it was happening and he had no time to adjust.

Marrying Kravitz in front of all those people. Really marrying him. In theory, marriage couldn't be all that different from how they lived now, together, in the same house, in the same bed, sharing their lives: but it was. It was different. Marriage meant forever. The gods recognised marriage. Getting married was an indelible mark on the theological fabric of the multiverse - a big old holy signpost saying these people, they belong together, they'll be together, forever...

Taako had never dreamed someone could want him around forever.

A hand on his shoulder broke him out of his reverie. He looked up into the soft dark eyes of Kravitz, and felt a sick drop of guilt in his stomach because this was their wedding and he wasn't meant to be angsting over it. But those eyes were so kind, so human.

“I'm not sure what's happening,” Kravitz said hesitantly, “but it's probably not dangerous.”

Taako laughed a touch hysterically and leaned back so the back of his head rested on Kravitz’ stomach. “ _ Something’s _ happening, for sure. I just want to be carried back to bed by a big strong handsome reaper so we can nap together and ignore the clusterfuck destroying my beautiful kitchen.”

“Well, unfortunately, Barry is currently out scouting for locations I believe,” Kravitz teased, so Taako banged his head against Kravitz’ stomach playfully. “You'll have to make do with me.”

And Taako looked up at this man, this wonderful kind man made of ice and bone who in three months was going to be legally bound to him forever and ever, who he didn't deserve, who he couldn't keep because he was just too good and Taako wasn't used to being allowed to have good things, and said:

“Yeah, you'll do for now.”

 

-

 

“Alright, let's run through that aisle catwalk again before we finish up with rehearsals,” Lup announced, clapping her hands. Taako, having been pushed to the head of a makeshift aisle between rows of boxes made to look like pews, slumped. Kravitz, who was already stood at the makeshift altar, tossed him a sympathetic look but was powerless to fight Lup's inextinguishable enthusiasm. 

“Lulu,” Barry said quietly as he gently came up behind her and kissed her shoulder, “I'm just taking Taako outside for some air. It's stuffy in this living room with so many people in it.”

“Of course, darling,” Lup said, before waving her hands at the remaining friends and guests. “Alright, let's take it from the dance number just after the vows, from the top. Into positions!”

Taako let himself be guided out of his own living room by the comforting hand of Barry into his small garden, overgrown with herbs and wild plants, to a pair of abandoned garden chairs under a mouldy parasol. As they sat, Barry levelled him a knowing look and clapped his shoulder.

“How you holding up, bub.”

“Good!” Taako immediately lied. “Alright. Just a little... it's a little busy in there.”

“Yeah,” Barry chuckled, leaning back in his seat. “Well, that's Lup for ya. When she does something she cares about, she does it properly.”

Taako hummed. “I forgot she liked weddings so much.”

“She did? When she was younger?” Barry smiled. “Explains a lot.”

“Yeah, she loved them. The idea of the big white dress and the beautiful chapel and falling in love with someone forever... she used to make me marry things when we were kids so she could organise our weddings. Dogs. Dolls. Other kids. A pie tin with a face drawn on it.” Taako played with a leaf that had fallen onto his lap. “You have no idea how pleased I was when you two got married and it was like all her wildest dreams come true. I'm glad she got what she always wanted.”

Barry leaned forwards now, deliberately making eye contact with Taako, and said quietly: “Is this what you've always wanted?”

And Taako paused. 

When he'd been a kid and he didn't know what he wanted, yes. When his sister Lup was dressing him up in rag tag wedding dresses and singing songs and laughing at their playtime, yes, absolutely, because it was what Lup wanted too, and it made them both happy. 

And then he didn't think about it, because they spent a century flying through space and he didn't have anyone to commit to, aside from his newfound family. 

And then Lup disappeared.

He hadn't remembered her, but he had remembered the time he'd cried for parents that were never coming back to collect him, and the time Aunt Lorraine had finally said enough and sent him to a wizarding apprenticeship, and he'd always felt like something was missing in him, something fundamental, where he just didn't seem to care about people very much.

He tried caring for people. He got Sazed, and then after, he decided that since everyone was going to fuck off anyway, he may as well save himself the trouble and just Not.

Barry looked at him curiously, and Taako remembered remembering that he had a family, and that people loved him and wanted him around, but how do you undo six years and more of constant self sufficiency, of mistrust, of not caring for a single other person than himself? How could he even dare to hope that the people he loved would stick around? How could he ask Kravitz to stay when Taako himself always had a bag packed in case it all went tits up and he had to run, run, alone again?

“I want it to be,” he struggled to say. “It's fine. If everyone is having fun, and Kravitz wants it, then I want it. It's okay.”

Barry leaned back, not quite satisfied: but Taako didn't budge. 

“It's 100% okay. In fact, I'm going to try and do a better wedding than any of you assholes. It's going to be the nega-wedding. Eat it, straights.”

Barry finally laughed and seemed to accept it. “Alright. Just... one last thing. If it all gets too much, too overwhelming - I mean gods know, Taako, I didn't know what the hell was going on at our wedding - if it gets too much, we can have a word with Lup and dial it down a little. She's your sister. Your twin. She'll understand.”

“I know,” Taako mumbled and kicked a stone under his chair. “I know.”

 

-

 

Time continued to fly by. There was now a thick shroud of tension slowly building between Kravitz and Taako every day, settling into the fine lines and wide open spaces in their relationship: all Taako could think when he woke up next to Kravitz was  _ we’re getting married _ , and all he could think when they went to bed again was  _ holy fuck, we’re getting married.  _ They both worked hard and made themselves comfortable and Kravitz liked to poke Taako’s soft belly and say “look at all this happiness”, and Taako knew he had settled down, finally stopped running, so why did he feel like there was a rope tied to his ankle? 

 

-

 

“Taako,” Kravitz said one day, stood next to him on a stool as they both got measured for inseam length by a very enthusiastic Carey, “are you alright?”

Taako stopped dissociating and quickly tried to look like his soul hadn't left his body. “Yeah. Peachy.”

“Peachy?”

“Super peachy. Plummy. Some kind of fruity.”

Kravitz tilted his head, one tightly coiled loc falling adorably across his face. “Sure?”

“Why, big guy? What's wrong? I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?” Taako tried to look as nonchalant as he could with a lizard patting the inside of his thigh. 

Kravitz sighed, and looked away for a moment, and Taako could see the bags under his eyes in the change of light. “You seem... tense, lately. Distant. I don't want something to be bothering you in silence if I could... help, or support you. That's what it's all about, isn't it. Being hus- husbands.”

They both had to look away at that, and Taako felt his entire face light on fire. Kravitz finally managed to recover enough to say:

“I can tell something is wrong. Is it... the wedding?”

“Nnn,” Taako began, “nnno, no, what? No. No the wedding is cool supreme, muchacho. It's creme fresh.”

“Just ignore me, boys, I'm not even here,” Carey said cheerfully, moving on to measuring Kravitz’ calf. 

“We don't have to. You know that. If you're uncomfortable.” The reaper leaned towards Taako, eyes intense, mouth pulled down in worry. “I won't be mad, or break up with you, or - or anything like tha-OW.”

Carey yelled “stay still and you won't get jabbed by a tape measure in the crotch!”

Taako tried not to breathe too heavily, stuck on this stool with Killian lifting his arm to measure his chest length; tried not to panic as he felt Kravitz slipping out of his grip, the beginning of the end.

“No, no, babe, no, I'm- I'm excited and happy. I'm just. Intensely stressed out by the whole ordeal of planning and shit. I'm running on the bare bones of my dumb shit attention span here. And I'm. I'm sorry.” He reached out his free hand to take Kravitz’. “I'm sorry I've been cranky and awful. It'll be over and done with soon and then we'll be back to normal.”

Judging by the deep crease between Kravitz’ brows, this didn't appear to assuage any of his concerns. “Taako-”

“Alright, lovebirds, turn around, we're taking ASS MEASUREMENTS,” Killian yelled, effectively ending any conversation for good.

 

-

 

“Stag partaaaay,” Merle yelled, knocking down Taako's door with several bottles of dwarven wine in his grubby hands.

“Absolutely not,” Taako said indignantly, but then Magnus lifted him up onto his shoulders and bounced him around like a toddler on a trampoline, cutting him off. 

“Stag party!!” Magnus yelled.

“Stag party!” Avi also yelled, an entire cask of something disgusting under his arm. 

“Stag party!” Lup yelled, and Taako found himself being dropped onto a sofa so she could force a shirt over his head, trapping his arms to his sides. “Get ready oh dear brother of mine, we're about to get high elf hammered and celebrate your upcoming wedding in fucking style!”

Taako looked down at the shirt. It said: “tastey little snack (sold out)”.

“Abso _ lutely _ not,” he tried to say, but he was already being carried out of his lounge and into the street on Magnus’ shoulders.

 

They ended up in some kind of awful tavern where there were a bunch of extremely sexual bards singing songs that were a bit too suggestive to be ballads, with five tankards of ale in front of them.

“Bottoms up!” Magnus said, and downed his with a fist punch. 

“Listen, guys, this is fun and all,” Taako said flatly, “but I really... I'm not really feeling it, and I had a soufflé in the oven, and I need to do my nails-”

“Weeeeeee......” Avi said faintly.

“- haven't brushed my hair, and I'm technically in my dressing gown-”

“Weeeeeeee...” Merle joined in, probably attempting to hit the same note but wildly out of key. 

“- sheer satin boxers won't- what is that, what are you doing.”

Lup joined in, nudging Magnus, who did the same. Taako looked around, trying to figure out where the fuck he was astral projecting to now. 

“What is this. What are you going. Stop.”

“Weeeeeeeee like to drink with Taako, cause Taako is our mate-” 

“Oh for fuck sake-”

“And when we drink with Taako, he gets it down in eight!”

Lup leaned in extremely close and whispered: “if you don't get it down in eight I'm telling Merle what you did with his toothbrush that one year.”

“You bitch,” Taako said with feeling, and began chugging his drink. 

“Seven! Six! Five!”

As they counted down towards zero and cheered while Taako basically waterboarded himself with ale, he reflected on the circumstances that had led him to this cursed state of affairs. When he finished, he pulled off the mug with a pop, held up a finger and said:

“One fucking drink, you hear me, you little gremlins? One! Drink!”

 

-

 

It was three hours later, and Taako was trying to count the shot glasses on the counter in front of him with a finger that just wouldn't obey his commands. 

“Seven... Eight... Eight?” he said angrily. “I said one. One. How did I do eight shots? Who let me?”

Avi and Magnus were stood with the band, blasting out old hits from the fantasy eighties, Merle was sleepily collapsed on a bar stool with his beard dipped into a glass of rum, and Lup was slamming down her shot glass from her latest shot. 

“Nine!” she said triumphantly. “I'm winning, you little baby. You are weak little baby. Mama's on fucking fire!”

Taako groaned and looked away, examining the flickering lights of the bar and the entirely too young bartender - did all young humans look like teenagers? he thought clumsily. When did humans start looking so young all the time? This lad didn't even have more than a couple baby hairs yet, let alone a licence to sell vodka to elves with no sense of self control. Taako could see acne. Acne!

“How old are you, boychik?” Taako said suddenly, managing to catch the bartender's attention.

“27,” he said.

Taako slid off his chair. “I miss not aging.”

“Woah there,” Lup said, catching him and pulling him back up, “no floor times yet! C'mon, what's wrong with you? All you've done all evening is mope at the bar and glare at the bartender. Why don't we- hey, why don't we hustle? You know, like the old days. Cheat some old dude out of his shoes again. That was fun.”

Taako considered it for a moment, but shook his head. Lup smacked her forehead.

“Jesus, you look like you're awaiting your execution, not getting married to a veritable hunk. You not looking forward to giving up your single life yet?”

 

-

 

The day came.

Taako woke up and stared at the ceiling. Kravitz shifted gently beside him, warmed up from the morning sun and Taako's body heat so he wasn't icicle cold, a smooth cool comforting presence. 

Today was wedding day. 

They rose and got dressed as if it were a totally mundane day, as if they weren't about to shift their relationship into 6th gear forever. Forever! Taako tried not to think about that word. 

 

-

 

Taako stared up at the chapel Merle had grown. Disconcertingly, it stared right back.

“Merle, please tell me. What kind of plant is this?”

Merle scratched his chin and patted a nearby thick vine. It patted right back. 

“You remember that incident back at Gold-whatever?”

“Goldcliff. We killed a man there.”

“Yeah, that place. Well, I found a little cutting of those sexy little vines we had to get past, and...”

He didn't finish his sentence before Taako was beating him with all the power his gay little fists could muster.

“Now hear me out,” Merle said quickly, “I was thinking about what kind of plant is robust enough to make a chapel shape without collapsing onto everyone. But I also needed it to be malleable enough to make some pretty intricate patterns and structures.”

“Why didn't you use willow again,” Taako hoarsely breathed out, draping himself across Merle and weeping very real tears of disgust.

“Well... I guess I coulda. But. I wanted to do something original for you.” Merle gazed up at the plant with sheer affection. And lust. “And there's something about an old flame...”

Before Taako could strangle Merle, he got jumped and dragged into a closet by Carey.

 

-

 

“Done changing?”

“I think so?” Taako emerged, grimacing down at the complicated mess of draped fabric and delicate tassels and tasteful gold jewellery on his wrists, his shoulders, his chest. “Is it on? I don't - this is - my whole ass is out, Carey. My whole ass. Did you run out of fabric halfway through?”

Carey giggled and made some demure adjustments to Taako's ensemble. “I did a lot of research on the kinds of outfits that old elven kings used to wear to big grand events and... I tried to recreate this woodcutting I found of-”

“I'm going to outslut every god damn guest in this godsforsaken chapel,” Taako said firmly, doing a twirl in the mirror.

It was an admittedly beautiful outfit. The fabric was shimmery and sheer, wrapping in tasteful twists around his torso and his arms, trailing beautiful streams of fabric to the floor. “This is some next level shit. I'm fucking beautiful.”

“You like it?” Carey asked, her wide eyes twinkling.

“Ass out, legs out, dick out, I'm fucking ready,” Taako responded. 

Killian appeared with a bunch of paintbrushes, pots full of mysterious pigments and strange small instruments and forced Taako to sit heavily on a small stool.

“Make up time.”

“Wooooaah there, woah there, wait a second.” Taako held up his hands. “Can I just do my own the way I like it?”

Killian whined. “No! You're not supposed to do any hard work on your wedding day!”

Taako squinted suspiciously at Killian's handsome, green, completely natural face and said, “do you actually know how to use makeup?”

“Yes!” said Killian defensively, “kind of, mostly! I've watched someone else do it before. Trust me okay? I have the perfect look for you.”

Taako leaned back. “Are you sure?”

Killian's bottom lip wobbled. Carey looked meaningfully at Taako.

“Okay fine!” Taako threw his hands in the air. “Stick it on me! It can't be that bad.”

 

-

 

It was that bad.

Feeling like a slutty raccoon, Taako wobbled out of the closet and tried to find a bathroom where he could discretely fix his face without offending Killian or inciting the wrath of Carey, but before he could slink away he was suddenly cornered by a very nervous Ren.

“Hey boss,” Ren said, trepidation dripping from her very pores, and Taako sighed.

“They even roped you into this, Ren?”

“Well, that's the thing.” Ren shuffled on her feet. “I was...  _ am _ , in charge of cooking. Which is great! That was great. But, uh.” She gulped. “Well it was a lot of pressure. A really intimidating amount of pressure, especially as I'm cooking for one of the most famous cooks in Faerûn, you know? Not just that, but it's his wedding?? And. I.” 

She burst into tears. “I messed up, Taako, I messed up. I burned every roux I touched, the merengues collapsed and I boiled the salmon into a paste, and I don't know what to do! It's inedible! It's all inedible!”

“I'm sure it's not that bad-” Taako began, but Ren cut him off by revealing a very burnt and blackened piece of charcoal.

“This was a lime!” she sobbed. “I didn't even cook it! It was meant to be used in the salad!”

“You-” Taako began. “You have five years of experience! You can make award winning ravioli in your sleep!! How did this- how!”

“Hey, Taako,” the voice of Lup suddenly hit Taako from behind like a small horse driven cart, “so we were discussing the pyrotechnic display and - holy crap did you walk into a wall??”

Taako sighed and shook his head. “No, Lulu, it’s-”

“Did someone punch you?” Lup grabbed his lapels, which was a risky move, as taking fabric anywhere from the front of his garment took fabric away from the back. “Twice, in both eyes?”

“No, listen to me, there's been a problem with the meal and we need to figure out a solution before the reception-”

Lucretia suddenly ran up to their rapidly expanding group of people, coughing insistently at Lup's back, and Lup wheeled round to see Lucretia’s “trying to soften the blow” expression.

“It's the guests,” Lucretia explained quietly. “They've started arriving.”

“Get this man into the private chamber quickly!” Lup yelled, pushing Taako towards the small antechamber at the back of the makeshift chapel. “Is everything alright, Lucy? Can you show them to their seats?” 

“Yes, of course, but.” Lucretia gulped. “There's someone who wants to see Taako. Now. As in right now.”

Taako shifted as defensively as he could when he was dressed like fantasy Tolkien's wet dream. “Who is it?”

“It's...” Lucretia began, before being cut off by the sudden approach of frost across the rough floor towards them. A shiver went through the group as the temperature dropped several degrees, and the lights seemed a little darker, and a cold breeze poked at every exposed patch of skin, probing for weakness, for warmth (which was especially unpleasant for Taako).

“The Raven Queen,” Lup breathed out, and before them was the robed black figure of the Queen of Winter herself, resplendent in her glinting glass crown and a long, shifting veil over her face.

She said nothing, but inclined her head in greeting. 

“Ah... hey, boss, funny to... see you here.” Taako could see Lup's nervousness. It was a strange, alien look on her. “I'm glad you could make it.”

The Queen pointed one finger at Taako.

“Oh, a little chat? Haha sure um. Hey Lucretia, Ren, you wanna go check out that dinner situation?” Lup put an arm round both of their shoulders and practically dragged them away, and Taako could just hear her whispering to Lucretia, “when I said invite everyone I didn't mean  _ everyone _ -”

Taako stared at the Raven Queen. The Raven Queen stared back.

“Hey, again?” he ventured out. 

_ Sun elf, _ she spoke in that sonorous voice that blew through Taako's brain like wind over the mouth of a cold open cave, _ I am here to witness the bond formed between mortal and reaper, and see that the fates ordain its sanctimony.  _

“That's... that's super cool,” Taako said, rubbing his arms subconsciously. “So uh, can you tell me, no obligation but I'd really appreciate it, is someone going to die at my fucking wedding?”

She made a noise like tombstones crashing into each other, which was probably something approaching a laugh.  _ No, little life-stealer. Today is a fine day to weave your souls forever into the fabric of the gods. _

“Oh good,” Taako said weakly.

_ Where is Kravitz? _

“I honestly don't know. I haven't seen him since this morning. I'm sorry, I have literally no clue what's going on.”

_ I will find him _ , the Raven Queen said, and floated through a wall.

“Alright,” Taako said. 

The voice of Lup suddenly wafted in from outside. “You made 300 napkin dicks?” 

The low but inaudible rumble of Magnus apparently assented.

“That's fucking  _ incredible _ \- I KNEW napkin ducks would be too hard- oh  _ fuck _ that's a good pun, Taako did you hear that?”

“Yeah, it was a 10/10,” he yelled back, because what was he gonna do? Leave his sister hanging?

 

The rest of the guests filed in slowly, taking their seats and chattering excitedly amongst themselves: from the antechamber in the back, Taako peeped through a crack in the vines - which caressed his face gently as he did so - and spotted all sorts of familiar faces. Members of the old B.o.B, people they met on quests, members of various extended families... so many people all under one roof, vaguely united by him. 

He spied Ren running from the kitchen, tear stains down her cheeks but looking like she was managing to hold things together, to take a spot on a pew. There were Sloane and Hurley looking as beautiful and healthy as ever in their new forms, though they looked a little uncomfortable with being too close to the walls, which flowered suggestively at them. An extremely nervous Lucas was given the very definition of a frosty reception by the Raven Queen as he took his seat next to her - yeesh, bad planning there.

Things were winding into gear from the chaos and confusion. Taako took a deep breath. If only Kravitz were here, now, with him, to hold his hand and tell him it would be okay. Where was he?

“Hey.”

Taako jumped. The voice sounded like it came from nearby, but he couldn't see anyone in the room with him. 

“Up here.”

Taako looked up. The red flustered face of Barry Bluejeans looked back at him.

“Barold?” Taako raised an eyebrow. “What are you doing up there?”

“Well, I'm fine, personally,” Barry replied, “but it's... it's Merle. Um. We were on the roof, setting up the pyrotechnics, and, uhhhh, well. He is... falling.”

Taako stared at him. “Falling.”

“Yes. The vines caught him but they're slipping. Um. Can you come and rescue him? Please? I don't wanna have to do my job at your wedding.”

Taako closed his eyes and breathed out. 

“Catch me, Barry.”

“Wait, what-” 

He cast Levitate on himself. 

 

-

 

Merle was hanging by his foot from the very top of the chapel, hanging over the guests in a very precarious manner. The fuses on the fireworks were lit and were sending out extremely worrying sparks through a series of improbable but hilarious events that had seemed funny at the time. 

Now that Merle was staring at a long drop onto a hard floor, it didn't seem so funny.

The guests chattered away beneath him, oblivious. Would be kinda a downer if Merle dropped into the party head first and squished the groom. Mavis and Mooky were down there somewhere, running around with Angus and probably stealing food from the buffet table. Would someone see him?

Oh, wait, there was Kravitz, storming through the crowd with a purposeful stride. Merle tried calling out “hey buddy!! Hey! Look up!” but Kravitz was too busy. Merle heard him asking: “have you seen Taako? It's important. I need to see him-”

Merle felt the vine slip around his thigh in a way which was both extremely suggestive and really unhelpful. 

It had been a good life.

“You bastard, stop contemplating your death and grab my hand!” 

Merle's head snapped up to see Taako hovering in mid air like a scantily dressed angel, arms outspread, floating from a very nervous Barry, peeking through a gap in the roof, but attached to him by a makeshift rope made from the less important parts of his wedding outfit.

“You have no idea how glad I am to see you, bud,” Merle said, clasping onto Taako's hand and letting himself hang there just as the vine finally slipped off his thigh. 

“Yeah yeah, save it for the speech,” Taako said affectionately. Together they floated precariously through the air back to Barry. “Are those fireworks lit? Isn't it a little soon?”

“Yeah,” Barry said quickly as he grabbed Merle from Taako and placed him on a safe space on the roof, “so let's skedaddle before they blow us to high hell-”

Of course, that's when they blew up. Taako felt himself being blown back from Barry just as his Levitation spell wore off, outfit unravelling like a roll of expensive toilet paper, and then he was falling in a rain of fire, petals, and tasteful dick shaped napkins.

Which... was exactly what he expected.

 

The fall was long in his head, but in reality, it lasted just a few seconds. Taako didn't even have time to cast a spell - he was falling, falling...

And landed extremely lightly in Kravitz’ arms, stark naked, makeup running streams of black, vine twigs in his smoking hair.

Lucretia was stood up on her pew, and Taako guessed she had cast Featherfall on him. Thank God. She was always there for him, after all.

“I was looking for you,” Kravitz said in disbelief. 

“Were you?” Taako started laughing, the best thing he could do when the adrenaline was racing and his heart was jumping out his chest.

“Of course. I always seem to be looking for you. That's how we met, isn't it?”

-

 

A little while later, when Taako was wrapped up in a blanket and given a hot chocolate, and all the guests had either stayed or started making their way home on the understanding that the wedding was postponed indefinitely, and everyone had given Taako an appropriate amount of fuss and medical attention, they sat together in front of the burning church.

“This saves me an awkward question,” Kravitz said. Taako looked at him curiously: he continued, “I was going to ask if you were comfortable with us continuing the wedding.”

Taako barked out a laugh. “Bad timing, dude. Were you gonna leave me at the altar?”

“No, no, no,” Kravitz said, “of course not, but. Anyone could see you were uncomfortable. And.. I wanted to talk about what that meant.” He reached across a hand and took Taako's gently, squeezing it. “I love you, so so much, but. I was. I was worried this meant... this meant you had doubts. Maybe about me being a reaper, and marrying me, because you know, thinking about the future, not sure what will happen-”

“I don't even care about that shit, babe,” Taako firmly reminded him. “I love you. I love you so much I should have been over the moon about this, but I'll be honest with you. I wasn't.”

Kravitz frowned. “Why?”

Taako looked down. “I was freaked out that it meant you'd never, ever leave me. I can't... quite believe that, can't get my head around it.” His hand clenched. “I- I got used to being alone, okay? I had nobody for so long. Nobody. Everyone left me. Even Lup.”

Kravitz, whose mouth had been open, shut it with a snap.

“But she came back,” he said. “The people who really really love you will never give up on you. I will never, ever give up on you. So don't give up on us. Don't check out of this relationship just because you're afraid it’ll be over before it's even really begun.” 

Taako wiped away a tear he hadn't realised he had shed. “Yeah. You're right.”

Silence reigned for a moment.

“Wanna go get married in fantasy Vegas and ride broomsticks down the strip mall?”

Kravitz laughed and shook his head. “Let's do this again, some time in the future. When we're ready.”

Taako kissed his nose. “When we're ready. That's a promise.”

The embers of the church burned for a long, long time afterwards.


End file.
